Those Words given by A Dad That Rescued Us when I became a First-Time Father

"In my view I was simply in survival mode for the first year."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the challenges of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality quickly became "very different" to his expectations.

Serious health complications surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I took on all the nights, each diaper… every walk. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

Following 11 months he burnt out. That was when a chat with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You aren't in a healthy space. You must get assistance. How can I assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His experience is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more comfortable addressing the pressure on mothers and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties new fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his difficulties are linked to a larger reluctance to talk among men, who often internalise harmful ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and remains standing every time."

"It's not a sign of failure to request help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - especially in front of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental state is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the chance to ask for a pause - taking a short trip overseas, away from the family home, to see things clearly.

He understood he needed to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states alongside the day-to-day duties of taking care of a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has changed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will assist his son to better grasp the expression of emotional life and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen did not have stable male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, profound trauma resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "terrible actions" when younger to modify how he was feeling, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the pain.

"You find your way to behaviours that aren't helpful," he notes. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will eventually make things worse."

Advice for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a family member, your spouse or a therapist what you're going through. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the things that allowed you to feel like you before having a baby. This might be playing sport, socialising or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical health - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is faring.
• Meet other new dads - hearing about their stories, the messy ones, and also the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help is not failure - looking after you is the best way you can support your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead provide the safety and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the emotions safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men since they acknowledged their struggles, transformed how they talk, and learned to control themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I said, at times I feel like my role is to teach and advise you on life, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am discovering as much as you are through this experience."