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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.