Nighttime Comics Lampoon Trump's New 'Gold Card' Visa Plan

Television's leading comedians spent the evening criticizing former President Donald Trump's just announced visa program, labeled the "gold card," portraying it as a clear pay-to-play system for the rich.

The Late Show's Pointed Spin

Kicking off his program, Stephen Colbert presented a sardonic holiday tune directed at the commander-in-chief. "He is compiling a list, reviewing it twice, and then handing that list to the agents at ICE," he crooned. "Donald Trump ... destroys everything he handles."

The focus was the new initiative which allows foreign nationals to purchase U.S. residency for a sum of a million dollars, with a "platinum" version for 5 million. The program's website guarantees processing "in record time."

"A brief note for you to affluent immigrants: before you pony up, have you considered Canada?" Colbert joked.

He explained that the scheme is also intended to "extract cash" from firms wishing to hire foreign workers, with hefty payments. "That is a lot of fees, but if you enroll, you also get a complimentary stay at a hotel of your choosing – as long as it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he continued.

"The best vetting the government has before done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to make sure these applicants absolutely meet the standard to be in America."

"That's important, you have to prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "First question: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Critique

On his late-night show, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"Here's a card that will let affluent overseas citizens to live here," he said. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get official resident status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one significant crime of your choice."

"It might be time to update that message on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your tired masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel mocked the simplicity of the application, observing it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"That's right, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "It's what Jesus constantly said! It's in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you give the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Grocery Issues

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's declining approval numbers amid economic worries. "The public gave Donald Trump a second term because they were upset about the economy," he said.

This week, in a bid to discuss affordability, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a selection of grocery items, where he behaved peculiarly to some cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them with me to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a while."

"He is so fucking weird," Meyers responded. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by targeting right-leaning news defenses of Trump's financial performance. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy similar to what FIFA did," he joked.